Inspiration by Manson?

My mind is twisted, fire dancing inside my brain driving me to insanity, the insinuations, temptations, and flirtatious fantasies driving me down, deeper into oblivion. I open my mind; searching deep within for something new, something alive, and something contagious, only find something vile leering back at me.


I toss and turn and can’t sleep at night. Now I know, I must run away, I must get away.. touch me baby taint your love…

Open mouths salivating shaking and tormenting me. white faces and red lips appear to me like dreams, yet I find them soothing, comforting; they sing to me, easing my agitation. Blinged out grills, blacked out eyes, tragically beautiful, like Tommy Lee meets Nelly.


Everybody is looking for something, some of them want to use you, some of them want to get used by you, some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused. Sweet dreams are made of these.. Who am I to disagree?

I Continue

The sharp edges of the rocks tear into my naked flesh.

The wind hisses around my body

I continue

I am unable to relent.

Something is calling me, trying to lure me.

I continue

I am transfixed

Unable to look away

I continue

I feel the sting of the cold water on my skin

Pushing through

I continue

Slippery dark sandstone beneath my feet now

Balance unraveled

I continue

I pull myself upwards onto the banks

Dead crunchy leaves crackle underfoot.

I continue

The force to strong

Deeper I travel

Searching

Holding on

I have been yearning to write, needing the outlet it provides me, yet unable for fear of being picked apart. I am not in a good place right now, my world is crashing down around me and it is all of my own doing. I am trapped in a toxic marriage, on the verge of losing my job, and have lost all faith in myself and question my own judgment.

It is hard for me to admit to myself, much less anyone else about what is going on with me. I do not know how to communicate the problems, I am experiencing. I do not feel that they should be affecting me so negatively or that I should not be able to get a handle on myself. Therefore, I don't feel that anyone else could possible understand them either.

It is very hard for me to tell anyone that most of my waking thoughts are about dying. About how I constantly think about it. I am not saying that I want to die, because I don't.. It is just that I can't seem to quit thinking about death and hoping that a lightning bolt will strike me.

I constantly feel sick, lethargic, and I don't want to face the world. There are so many things, that I have tried to hide about the problems in my life, because they are my problems and I should be able to control my emotions, but it seems that life is getting the best of me.

My doctor keeps trying to hospitalize me, until I am stable he says.. But, I refuse, yet twice I have ended up on lockdown, in the hospital, because I flipped. I am unable to control myself or my thoughts, leading me to physically hurt people (or try) So the only alternative is to try and stabilize me on an outpatient basis.. Which is a touch and go situation.


Honestly, I don't know who I am any more. Everything seems fuzzy and distant and all I can think is death would be better than living a life like this..