Monday, August 10, 2009

Holding on

I have been yearning to write, needing the outlet it provides me, yet unable for fear of being picked apart. I am not in a good place right now, my world is crashing down around me and it is all of my own doing. I am trapped in a toxic marriage, on the verge of losing my job, and have lost all faith in myself and question my own judgment.

It is hard for me to admit to myself, much less anyone else about what is going on with me. I do not know how to communicate the problems, I am experiencing. I do not feel that they should be affecting me so negatively or that I should not be able to get a handle on myself. Therefore, I don't feel that anyone else could possible understand them either.

It is very hard for me to tell anyone that most of my waking thoughts are about dying. About how I constantly think about it. I am not saying that I want to die, because I don't.. It is just that I can't seem to quit thinking about death and hoping that a lightning bolt will strike me.

I constantly feel sick, lethargic, and I don't want to face the world. There are so many things, that I have tried to hide about the problems in my life, because they are my problems and I should be able to control my emotions, but it seems that life is getting the best of me.

My doctor keeps trying to hospitalize me, until I am stable he says.. But, I refuse, yet twice I have ended up on lockdown, in the hospital, because I flipped. I am unable to control myself or my thoughts, leading me to physically hurt people (or try) So the only alternative is to try and stabilize me on an outpatient basis.. Which is a touch and go situation.

Honestly, I don't know who I am any more. Everything seems fuzzy and distant and all I can think is death would be better than living a life like this..


Gray said...

*great big hugs*

Get the help you need, whatever that may be. We want to see you here to write for us.

Thank you for the comment.

Luna Mauvaise said...

Living, love, is always better than dying. We just have to figure a way to make the most of the life we have. Much easier said than done, for us all.

I know in my heart of hearts, though, that you are strong enough for such a task. You will live to write about it; and perhaps help others, with your words, in similar fogs of despair and doubt.

Besides, you can't die without having at least one drink with can you??

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